Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
