dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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