So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
