They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
