The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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