I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
