Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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