Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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