Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
