I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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