My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
