Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
