Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We left the knife in your bed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
