If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
