My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
