My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
