How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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