i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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