Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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