WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
