It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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