Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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