Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want her autograph on my taint
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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