apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
