Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You pole danced in your parka.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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