I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
