I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
