So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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