I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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