my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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