Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
