I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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