i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
