I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
