Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
