I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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