Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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