triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
