Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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