I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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