i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
