Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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