we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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