guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
