Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
