Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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