she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
