i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
