he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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