2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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